EL BLOG ILUSORIO DE RUDY: The Rattle of Plastic Sabers

4.3.10

The Rattle of Plastic Sabers

I am of the hope that you have some quantities of hazel-nuts on your person, because I have a largish scoop! Our match against the Indiana Pacers revealed that Josh McRoberts rattles a plastic saber on the court. You see, after my drainage of a tres, McRoberts took exception and berated me. My response for my irascible former mate?

A smile.

For I knew a reason for McRoberts' antipathy: Grooming jealousy! It has always been thus between us. You see, upon entering an NBA locker chamber, an anthology of body odors assails one's nose. And yet even in this pungent atmosphere, when McRoberts was a Trail Blazer, he still somehow made his presence known!

Not to trumpet my own horn, but my grooming is impeccable. Bearing witness, note the image above. Although I am in motion, see how my hair is in perfect disarray? Contrast this with Mike Dunleavy's flailing moppiness!

Further, note the awed looks on the coaches behind me. They cannot help themselves, although they already know the secret origin of my savoir faire: Prudently chosen gels and a large pre-match glass of leche!

Of course, one can not relax post-match...behold:

Rudy foto from the Oregonian.

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"El Blog Ilusorio": In the Orbs of Others!

Rudy's Hypothetical Rules of Basketball

1. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of score, assists, or rebounds. They will only remember who won them a chalupa.

2. Any shot worth shooting is worth shooting twice.

3. When not shooting on offense, you should be communicating, passing, and running. Also, yell “Foul!” repeatedly. Why? How can officials summon help if you yell “Good D!” or “Our opponents are superior!”?

4. If legitimately called for a foul, say, “A good call!” (Do this no more than once a game.)

5. When in possession of the ball, have a plan. Further, have a back-up plan, because the first plan won't work (unless you are Brandon Roy).

6. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. (Both Oden and Pryzbilla provide these in abundance.)

7. On defense, ignore words and direct your eyesight to the ball. (Opposing Cleveland, LeBron James told me he would pull up for a jumper. I advanced upon him. Then James drove baseline with great speed. Both of my ankles gave way!)

8. The faster you begin an opponent’s blow-out, the more shots everyone will get.

9. Be polite and professional to everyone you play against. Then destroy them, for they wish to defeat you.

10. Practice shooting in a dimly-lit practice area with someone shouting unflattering threats at you. (I found this useful in Europe, where partial power outages were not uncommon.)

11. You may feel sad about snapping another team’s back with a clinch alley-oop or a clutching 3-pointer. But sadness is preferred to losing. And the winning will then bring happiness. (In the case of defeating the Lakers, the happiness will be most pronounced.)

12. Purple is not my color. (It may not be anyone’s color.)