In Which I Remove an Albatross (from my neck) and a Primate (from my backside) at the Same Moment!

Americans are sometimes surprised to learn that the Communist Party is the third largest political party in Spain. Thus, I know many Communists! In fact, in Mallorca this summer, I chatted amiably with a local Communist while sunning at the beach.

“Rudy,” he asked me, “have you read Marx?”

To this I nodded and replied, “Yes, and I think it’s from the wicker chairs that the beach-goers sit upon.”

Photo by Ben Golliver

This brings to mind some of my other off-court shenanigans this summer. As is known, I have variously:

1.) Requested a release from the Portland Trail Blazers.

2.) Demanded a trade from the selfsame team.

3.) Been fined $75,000 by the NBA.

To explain myself, let me give an overview: In performing on the basketball courts, I play a function of vitality: I remake reality — embellishing or diminishing it— through the magic of my movements.

So it is OFF the parquets as well. The contradictions I pose are not mere gratuities — I purposely perform them to fill in the insufficiencies of life!

You see, when life is full and absolute, and citizens are committed to their destinies with an all-consuming faith, an athlete performs no real service at all.

But when the faith if the peoples is shattered by crisis, it is necessary to believe in SOMETHING. This season and last, I saw people grow uncertain about the world (and afterworld!) they inhabit. Thus, my mercurial actions were designed to unite Portland in one absolute and trusting vision together once again: Namely, that I am an untrustworthy rapscallion!

Where did I come by such a wayward notion? It is well you ask. I was enlisted to this cause by a player who is so Machiavellian, so diabolical, he makes Iago resemble a leader of the pre-schoolers. (Gaze upon his visage if you dare!)

And now that I have explained myself to you, can someone explain to ME why Pau Gasol and his mate Kobe Bryant were used to promote the FIBA World Championship?

Rudy glowering foto by Ben Golliver.