A Pond Full of Ghoti & Other Perverse Words

A reader has contacted me to ask about my writing stylings. But a warning of fairness: Asking me to talk about words is like taking Nic Batum to a Mallorcan beach party. You will not be leaving anytime soon!

English is a most challenging tongue. And Bret, my kiwi doppelgänger, shares this sentiment! Take the English spellings. We have no spelling bees in Spain, for Spanish words are spelled sensibly. Thus, unlike last year’s most unfair dunking contest, no one would ever be eliminated!

Por ejemplo, to my orbs, the English word “fish” could be spelled “ghoti.” Simply take the “gh” from “enough,” the “o” from “women” and the “t” from “lotion.” And there it is! (As an aside, I have yet to make sense of the fearsome "Blouargh!" that Brandon Roy emitted after his match-winning shot last year. It is a celebratory call?)

As for Spanish, it truly is our nation’s treasure, though I think others judge my writings as a most heavy cartload of beautiful baggage. It is because of my Spanish background that I engage in long sentences and melodious long nouns that carry a richness in feeling and texture. Tell me, must these be cruelly chopped up into dwarf sentences composed of perverse spellings?

But enough; when you greet a swordsman, meet him with a sword. (Or long fingernails!) Do not offer a poem to anyone but a poet. And I will not use words to justify my own words. Instead, I will close by hoping that in our next match, the three-pointers will rain down like a hearty spring shower upon a pond full of ghoti!