EL BLOG ILUSORIO DE RUDY: A Phone Call from Sacramento

30.11.09

A Phone Call from Sacramento

Sergio: ¡Hola, Rudy!

Me: ¡El Chacho! ¿Que pasa, mi amigo?

Sergio: I merely wished to check in with you. Long time, no alley oop!

Me: ¡Naturalamente! So this has nothing to do with your match last evening?

Sergio: I don’t know which match you mean—

Me: The one in which you had 24 points, five assists, and two steals in 24 minutes?

Sergio: Ah, THAT match. Yes, fortune indeed smiled upon me. But you forgot something.

Me: Nonsense!

Sergio: No turnovers! Further, at this juncture, only Chris Paul and Steve Nash outstrip me as the NBA's top point guards!

Me: ¡Felicidades! Ah, but wait… I smell something…

Sergio: Are you cooking pollo?

Me: No. But I detect the odor of a most unsavory gloating wafting up from south of Portland!

Sergio: Ha ha! But there is no need to be churlish, Machetero! Now let me tell you about a particular alley oop. At one point, I took a knee at the three-point line and threw a behind-the-back pass to the rim—

Me: Please! Speak no further of making spectacular passes at your mates, for I am consumed with envy! Last year, 103% of my alley oops emanated from your able Canary Islander fingertips. And this year, I am below the poverty line for alley oops-ing.

Sergio: Forgive my insensitivities! It must be difficult to be paired with mates who are not as sympatico to your needs as a fellow countryman. And so, onwards to happier topics! Let me tell you more about the charming pavilion in which our matches transpire. It is called Arco Arena and…[end transcript]

Sergio foto from Sactown Royalty.

1 comment:

Robert Runyon, Esq.November 30, 2009 at 9:42 PM
Rudy, have you even had an alley oop yet this season? I cannot recall one.
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"El Blog Ilusorio": In the Orbs of Others!

Rudy's Hypothetical Rules of Basketball

1. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of score, assists, or rebounds. They will only remember who won them a chalupa.

2. Any shot worth shooting is worth shooting twice.

3. When not shooting on offense, you should be communicating, passing, and running. Also, yell “Foul!” repeatedly. Why? How can officials summon help if you yell “Good D!” or “Our opponents are superior!”?

4. If legitimately called for a foul, say, “A good call!” (Do this no more than once a game.)

5. When in possession of the ball, have a plan. Further, have a back-up plan, because the first plan won't work (unless you are Brandon Roy).

6. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. (Both Oden and Pryzbilla provide these in abundance.)

7. On defense, ignore words and direct your eyesight to the ball. (Opposing Cleveland, LeBron James told me he would pull up for a jumper. I advanced upon him. Then James drove baseline with great speed. Both of my ankles gave way!)

8. The faster you begin an opponent’s blow-out, the more shots everyone will get.

9. Be polite and professional to everyone you play against. Then destroy them, for they wish to defeat you.

10. Practice shooting in a dimly-lit practice area with someone shouting unflattering threats at you. (I found this useful in Europe, where partial power outages were not uncommon.)

11. You may feel sad about snapping another team’s back with a clinch alley-oop or a clutching 3-pointer. But sadness is preferred to losing. And the winning will then bring happiness. (In the case of defeating the Lakers, the happiness will be most pronounced.)

12. Purple is not my color. (It may not be anyone’s color.)